page 260 of "Choke" says it all right now

uttered by a fictitious character, a bitter and dying old woman at that, these words instantly undo me:
"I spent my life attacking everything because I was too afraid to risk creating anything." i would be far beyond blind to not realize that this is my tendency. more than that, this is the reality that's defined my life lately. perfecting the critique so as to mask the fear of making something that might possible receive critique. it's a sad routine to fall into, but an easy one. i guess i owe chuck palahniuk some thanks, because i don't think i would have the self-awareness to address this if i hadn't read that line. but better to make the tackle with a little help then to never make the tackle at all, right? so thanks for the assist, chuck...now this is between me and my fear. fortunately, the next step shouldn't be all that hard...i already know what i'd like to create. it'll be interesting to see, when next i post on here, whether the stl cohort is taking shape in real life, or if it's still a figment of my imagination. i almost hope i'll be blogging about how it's being "attacked", because that's a sure-fire sign that some actual creation occurred first. that would be cool.